Even a good marriage cannot survive bad manners

By SUSAN SCHWARTZ, The Gazette

From: Montreal Gazette

Sorry, but I don't buy this business that manners have disappeared and rudeness is rampant. Yes, it's true that the young probably stood more readily 40 years ago to offer the elderly a seat on the bus - but then, it was also acceptable for people to spit as they rode those buses 40 years ago. Everything is relative.

I believe the foundation of manners lies, as it always has, in being courteous and in considering the impact of our actions on others. That's the crux of Barbara Cartland's Etiquette Handbook: A Guide to Good Behaviour From the Boudoir to the Boardroom (Random House Books, 2008, $23.95).

The book by the prolific British writer was first published in 1962, in an era when women graced no luncheon without a hat and a 6-year-old boy learned to address an older man as Sir. Nigel Wilcockson, publishing director at Random House, called it a fascinating part of social history; he predicted it will appeal to those who recall the time with nostalgia or people charmed by the unintentional humour of chapters like those dealing with how to wash up on the servants' night off.

It's true that some sections of the handbook are hopelessly dated - comically so. But others are timeless and of great value - and none, to my mind, more than a chapter called Home Life Is What You Make It. Cartland, who died in 2000 at 98, believed that manners begin at home. And they do.

"It is a sad reflection that we can be provoked into callous and inconsiderate behaviour more easily by those we love than by anyone else," she wrote. "The self-discipline of good behaviour should never be dropped within the home, least of all by the husband and wife."

Showing good manners in marriage means everything from not hogging the bedclothes or reading if your partner wants to sleep, Cartland believed, to not nagging or criticizing your partner to looking smart even if it's just the two of you.

Good manners mean not reserving one's best self for company. "Wives resent husbands who fall asleep every evening when they are alone with their families, but can be lively, interesting, conversationalists when guests are present," she wrote.

Similarly, "a husband is repelled by a wife who nags or treats him alternately as a child, an idiot, a brute and a tyrant."

To be fair, I believe some marriages are not meant to last; it happens that two partners are fundamentally incompatible or that one is nothing more than a lout.

Sadder is when a marriage ends because one partner or the other stops caring enough to give the relationship his - or her - best. In the absence of the nurturing the marriage needs, it shrivels.

It is during courtship, though, that at least a pretense of good manners is shown - even by the most uncouth people, Cartland opined. Partners take care with everything from their appearance to their words, as they "try to show the height and depth of their characters when expressing their hopes and ambitions."

A cardinal rule for partners, then, "is to treasure the beauty and spiritual yearning of that awakening love, and to turn it into the strong, enduring and equally beautiful love of married life," she wrote.

"I am sure that the spiritual side of love is destroyed in many marriages entirely by rudeness and contempt."

Just as familiarity breeds contempt, so, too, can living together under the same roof lead to lack of consideration, Cartland says. She berates women who don't try to look attractive in the house and admonishes men: "Washing, shaving and hair brushing are tasks to complete as early as possible, not delayed or omitted because only your wife will see you."

Gestures of affection and terms of endearment, too, remain important - and not just in the privacy of the boudoir.

"Husbands should remember to be lovers, in thought as well as in deed," Cartland wrote. "No man can be excused for later omitting the small courtesies of gratitude, tenderness and consideration. On these, more than on anything else, rests a happy marriage."

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