Helping Children Cope with Death

by Dr. Benjamin Spock
(This article could be useful for the EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUACTION program).

Death is a fact of life that every child must grapple with. For some, the death of a goldfish is their first exposure; for others, it is the death of a grandparent. In many cultures, death is viewed as a natural occurrence, and no attempt is made to isolate it from everyday life.

How parents talk about it shapes a child's perception. Our culture, on the other hand, remains very uneasy about the whole thing. People tend to die in institutions, not at home with family present. We use euphemisms to talk about death: "He kicked the bucket, went to sleep, bought the farm" -- anything to distance us from the reality that, in fact, he died. And we wonder whether young children would be too stressed by attending the funeral.

If adults are uncomfortable with the notion of death, it is no wonder that many are even more perplexed about how to help children deal with it. Some would just as soon deny the whole thing.

That dog lying motionless at the side of the road? "He's just resting. He's fine. What did you learn in school today?" Others choose to avoid the concrete and focus solely on the ethereal: "The angels came and took Grandpa and now he's up in heaven with Grandma." Still others duck the question altogether: "Don't you worry about what death is. No one is going to die soon. Where do you get such ideas?"

Talk at your child's level
Like most things in life, children can best learn to deal with death when their parents answer their questions at their level and treat it as a natural subject to talk about. Obviously, the impact and meaning of a child's first exposure to death depend on a number of circumstances:

• How old the child is and her developmental level of understanding.

• What and who died and how close he was to the child.

• The cause of death and whether it was expected or sudden.

For preschool-age children
In the preschool years, children's ideas and misconceptions about death are influenced by the magical tendencies of their thinking in general. Children this age may believe, for example, that death is reversible and that the dead person will come back someday. They are too young to understand death's immutable finality. They also tend to feel responsible for everything that happens in their world, including death, and may fear punishment for unkind thoughts they had about the dead person or animal. They may also view death as "catching," like a cold, and worry that someone else will soon die.

See: Brain Development: How It All Starts

They tend to think in very concrete terms: "How will Uncle Bob breathe if he's in the ground?" Parents can help a child by being equally concrete: "Uncle Bob won't breathe anymore. He also won't eat with us anymore or brush his teeth."

It should be emphasized to children at this age that they in no way caused the death and that death is a part of the life cycle. Parents should also help their child deal with grief by acknowledging that losing a friend or grandparent is very sad and that it is sad to think that person won't be coming back. By dealing with their own feelings, parents can help the child deal with her feelings.

See: Answering Questions about Death

Funerals
Many parents wonder what to do about allowing a 3- to 6-year-old child to attend the funeral of a relative or close friend of the family. I think that if a child wants to attend a funeral, if the parents are comfortable with the idea, and if the parents prepare him for what will happen at the funeral, then children from the age of 3 onward can attend funerals.

They can even accompany the family to the cemetery for the burial. It's important that an adult whom the child knows well is with the child and emotionally available to him at all times, to answer questions and if necessary, to take the child home if he becomes too upset.